A mother in the making
Five years ago I thought I was going to become a mother. But life had other plans. This is the story of a mother in the making. TW: This piece covers pregnancy loss and miscarriage.
Today’s date will live in my heart forever. For a short period of time, this was the date I thought I was going to first become a mother.
I lost that pregnancy at 9 weeks. And with that loss, came the decision to leave my entire life behind.
I left the unhealthy and unhappy marriage I was in. I moved out of the house I had worked my whole twenties to afford. I walked away from everything I had known, including that version of myself, a woman I barely even recognised.
I no longer felt afraid to listen to my heart. I had gone through the most excruciatingly painful experience of my life - physically, emotionally, spiritually.
That loss was the catalyst for the greatest transformation of my life. It was the first time in my life that I chose myself.
And while my heart was weary, and it took months for my body to heal, I could see the blessings in that experience. I could see that life was not only protecting me but guiding me back to my real self.
I lost a baby, but I found myself.
And bit by bit I started to piece my life back together.
I found my voice, and started sharing more openly and honestly with those who were willing to listen.
I found new practices in self-compassion and acceptance. I found a new path in training to become a meditation and mindfulness teacher.
I found a new sense of purpose in discovering who I really was, underneath all I thought I had to be.
I found a man that could take care of my heart. A man that saw my soul, and loved me unconditionally. A man who could sit with me in the depths of despair, loving me all the same. The man I knew would become the father of my children one day.
I found freedom–to be myself, express myself, and love myself.
I found peace.
Then last year, I found the courage to conceive again.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when the two lines appeared. Tears of joy. I knew I was ready. It was my time.
My husband Alex was in Melbourne for work, so I excitedly devised a plan for telling him he would be a dad. I made friendship bracelets reading “I’m having your baby” and “we’re pregnant”.
I baked a batch of cookies and as he came in the door, I convinced him to come taste test them on camera for a video, so I could capture his reaction.
We were over the moon.
In the following weeks I had all of the symptoms–nausea, bloating, sore boobs, headaches, extreme exhaustion. HcG levels were high. All signs pointed to a progressing pregnancy. My doctor told me not to worry about an early scan, just to ‘relax’ and wait for the 10 week mark.
So I booked my appointments and waited.
Then at around 9 weeks, I started to bleed. Even though I had heard that some bleeding in early pregnancy was normal, we went to the hospital just to be sure.
A scan confirmed my worst nightmare. Yet again. No sign of a heartbeat.
My heart still hurts as I recall the following days and weeks.
We drove all the way home from the city in tears. Numb with sadness. The pregnancy passed naturally at home and I was surrounded by so much love. A stark contrast to the experience almost five years prior.
I really thought it was our time.
Perhaps I was naive, thinking it wouldn’t happen to me again because I’d already been through one loss before. The circumstances were so different. This time I was in a loving relationship. This time I knew who I was. This time I was really ready.
But as I’ve come to learn, life doesn’t always go to plan. Not one part of me doubts that I will become a mother one day. I am already becoming her. I am a mother in waiting.
I want to be very clear with my words here.
No part of this was my fault. My body is healthy. I did everything I could to create a healthy home for my babies.
There is nothing wrong with me. This happens to a LOT of women. More women than you would ever know. I was just one of far too many who go through this in their lifetime.
There is enough inherent shame around miscarriage and pregnancy loss, we don’t need to make women feel any more guilty or shameful about what they have been through.
So I will leave it here for now. I felt called to reflect on my journey to motherhood on this date, as it’s a date that I’ll never forget.
Today also happens to be the Autumn Equinox; a time of reflection, rebirth and renewed energy. I shared more about equinox energetics in a post last year. You can read it here.
If you made it this far, thank you for being here. I know this story has a happy ending, which I will be thrilled to share with you when the time comes. But today I wanted to honour this mother in the making–for her courage, her perseverance, her stubbornly optimistic heart, her willingness to never give up on herself, or life.
I know my babies will be so proud to have a mother like her one day.
A video I shared on YouTube about this recent loss:
You can also find me on:
Thank you for sharing, may you be blessed with much love, joy and abundance in all that you do 🙏💖🤗
I lost mine at 7 weeks 20 years ago, it's something you'll never forget but indeed come to live with it.
It took me a couple of years and a whole journey of fertility tests to IUI, a step before IVF, to have both my kids (now 16 and 14) so that makes it even more special I got pregnant naturally but lost that one.